Newsradio


Episode FF-1

“Gullible”

Written By:
Christopher M Colavito


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Dave is sitting at his desk, on the phone with representatives from a rival station. Obviously annoyed, Dave breaks the handle off his coffee cup while slamming it on the desk.

Dave:
Damn it. Oh no, that wasn’t about you.

Lisa enters the office, stares coldly at Dave and crosses her arms as she waits impatiently.

Dave:
I’ll have to talk to him and get back to you about this. I seem to have a bit of a crisis on my hands here. (Pause) I have no idea, but I’m sure I’m going to regret asking.

Dave hangs up the phone as Lisa begins gesticulating wildly while pacing.

Lisa:
Dave, you have got to do something about Bill.

Dave:
What’s he doing now; trying to convince Matthew that he’s a ware-cat again?

Lisa stops her pacing suddenly.

Lisa:
No Dave, it’s a little more serious than that.

Dave:
You don’t mean…

Lisa:
Yes Dave, Bill’s on another ego trip, and he’s worse than ever.

Dave gets up from his chair and puts his hands on Lisa’s shoulders. He looks her in the eye.

Dave:
What’s he doing this time?

Lisa:
Just take a look.

Lisa opens the blinds on the office window, revealing Bill sitting at his desk, in a golden throne, holding a scepter in one hand and a cigar in the other. Matthew is knelt in front of Bill, serving as his footstool.

----

Opening Credits

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Dave and Lisa are standing at the office window, watching Bill laugh and smoke in his throne.

Dave:
Oh, this isn’t good.

Dave retreats and sits on the edge of his desk while Lisa shuts the blinds.

Lisa:
I know. He’s completely lost it this time. Acting like he’s above all of us is just asking for Joe to kick his ass.

Dave:
Say, why isn’t Joe kicking his ass right now?

Lisa:
I told him that Matthew chewed through some wires in his apartment, so he’s there setting up giant mouse traps to see if Matthew’s gullible enough to get caught in one.

Dave:
What’s he using for bait?

Lisa:
A dead mouse.

Dave (smiling):
Betcha $10 Matthew’s wearing a neck brace tomorrow.

Lisa begins pacing again.

Lisa:
That’s very funny Dave, but this is serious. We have to do something to get Bill’s ego in check. Catherine’s about to bitch slap him.

Dave:
That’s not going to be so easy.

Lisa:
I know. He’s so…… God, he’s annoying.

Dave:
I know he is, and it’s not going to get any better when I tell him the news.

Lisa:
What news?

Dave:
That was WNTH on the phone. Their anchor just took a job with NCN, and they think that Bill would be a natural for television. They asked me if I would give my permission to let him out of his contract so they could “make him a star”.

Lisa:
Bill McNeal? On TV?

Dave:
I had the same reaction. I didn’t know that vampires showed up on film either.

----

Bill is sitting in his throne, blowing rings of smoke into the air. Catherine is standing behind him, hands on hips, shaking her head in disgust. She walks away as Dave and Lisa approach.

Dave:
Bill, we need to talk.

Bill:
We sure do, Chief.

Lisa looks down at the floor, pulls her foot back, and looks at her shoe.

Lisa:
Did you spill coffee on the floor?

Bill:
No, that’s a makeshift moat until we can work out something more permanent. I was thinking of

Dave:
Bill! No moats!

Bill:
But if I don’t have a moat, how am I supposed to keep myself free from the trivialities of the office proletariat? I can’t do my best work unless I feel a degree of separation from the rest of the plebiscites in the office.

Dave:
You are not supposed to sequester yourself from your coworkers. You are not the king of this station. You are not the king of this office.

Bill:
Actually, I don’t like the word “king”. I prefer to think of myself as more of a demigod; a servant of a higher power sent here to let you bask in my glow.

Matthew walks by the three of them with a large brown stain on his shirt.

Lisa:
Was Matthew lying on the coffee?

Bill:
I told him the drawbridge was down and he’d have to swim across the moat.

Lisa gets frustrated and storms away. Dave peers his head around the throne to watch her leave.

Dave:
Bill, my office, now.

Bill:
Ok Chief, I’ll play your little game.

----

Cut to Dave’s office. Dave walks in and sits at his desk while bill rolls a red carpet through the doorway and plays a horn accompaniment on a small radio.

Bill:
Let me guess, Lisa’s got herself all in a tizzy because of my throne, my chalice, and my chambermaid.

Dave:
Yes she does, but that’s not the only thing I want to talk to you about.
(Pause)
Wait… chambermaid?

Bill:
Matthew.

Dave:
Bill, how many times do I have to tell you that taking advantage of Matthew doesn’t prove that he’s genetically inferior to you?

Bill:
And how many times do I have to tell you that Matthew enjoys it when I take advantage of him. I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, Dave, but Matthew is starved for attention.

Dave:
Oh, he is not.

Bill:
Oh, he’s not, is he?

Bill opens the blinds on Dave’s office window, revealing Matthew staring back at the two of them, his nose pressed against the glass. After a few seconds, he offers a wave. Bill promptly shuts the blinds again.

Dave:
Even so, making Matthew your chambermaid will not be tolerated. He’s a person just like you or I. Well, not like you or I, but I’m the only one that gets to tell him what to do.

Mr. James opens the door and enters the office.

Mr. James:
Hell, that is one big ass throne out there.

Bill:
Thanks Jimmy. She’s my pride and joy. Solid gold leaf finish, jumbo sized cup holder, and enough padding that your ass will go numb before it ever gets sore.

Dave:
Mr. James, can you please tell Bill that he’s not the king of this office, and that his constant mistreatment of his coworkers has gotten them to the point of asking me what kind of budget cuts it would take for them to be able to order a guillotine?

Mr. James:
Geez Dave. But I like the throne.

Bill:
The people have spoken Dave. You can’t deny me my Constitutional right to obnoxiously ornate furniture.

Dave:
That’s not a Constitutional right and you know it.

Bill:
Oh, how would you know? You’re Canadian.

Mr. James:
He’s got you there, Dave.

Dave:
That makes no sense at all, Sir.

Mr. James:
Sense or no sense, did you tell Bill the big news yet?

Bill:
There’s big news?

Mr. James:
Well yeah.

Dave:
It seems, Bill, that WNTH has offered you the position of TV news anchor. You can’t take the job, of course, since you’re still under contract here, but I didn’t think it would be right for me not to tell you about this, even if you are being a complete ass today.

Bill:
Television…… you know, Dave, this could be just the opportunity I’ve been looking for all my life. Moving to television could give me the level of wealth that I’ve always thought I needed to be able to look down on the rest of society.

Dave:
I’m sorry Bill, but I’m not letting you out of your contract.

Mr. James:
Dave’s right, Bill. You’re not going anywhere until that contract you signed runs out, or you get fired.

Bill smiles menacingly.

Dave:
Oh no.

----

Lisa enters the break room, where Matthew and Beth are sitting at the table, and gets a soda out of the refrigerator.

Matthew:
So then I asked Bill if I could give him a foot massage, and he was all like…

Lisa:
Matthew! How can you sit there and treat Bill like he’s some sort of a king?

Matthew:
Well, he is British.

Lisa:
No he’s not!

Beth:
Yeah, you just think that because he likes to drink tea.

Matthew:
Are you sure? I think I remember him doing something British one time.

Beth:
That was someone British, and her name was Heather.

Lisa:
And now he’s got that job offer…

Matthew:
What job offer? Where’s Bill going? Why didn’t he tell me about this?

Lisa:
WNTH wants him to be their TV news anchor.

Beth:
They’ve never met Bill, have they?

Lisa:
No, and if they had, they would realize that Bill is an obnoxious, egotistical, self-righteous, pugnacious……

Beth:
Person that everyone in the office hates?

Lisa:
No.

Beth:
Person that everyone in the office can’t stand to be around for more than five minutes without wanting to pour coffee down his pants?

Lisa:
Exactly.
(Pause)
I need to go talk to Dave.


Lisa walks out of the break room. Scratching his head, Matthew is lost in a sea of confusion.

Matthew:
So if Bill isn’t British, why’d he tell me to Guy Faulks myself?

----

Lisa barges into Dave’s office and slams the door behind her. Dave, who had been quietly working on his laptop, looks up at Lisa.

Lisa:
Fire Bill.

Dave:
What?

Lisa:
Fire Bill. Do it right now.
(Pause)
Even better; do it in front of the entire staff.

Dave:
Lisa, I can’t fire Bill.

Lisa:
Of course you can. You’re a cold-hearted bastard. We tell you all the time.

Dave:
I love you too, honey. But firing Bill would just give him what he wants, we don’t have anyone who can replace him on such short notice, and whether we like it or not, he’s the public face of this station.

Lisa:
Think about it Dave, we could be rid of Bill forever. No more thrones, no more canes, and we’d never have the risk of seeing him in a Speedo again.

Dave:
Granted, they’re all good points, but Mr. James and I already have a plan to take care of this.

Lisa:
Oh you do, do you?

Dave:
Yes we do, do we.

Lisa:
Very cute, Dave. Now, what’s your plan?

Dave:
We’re going to hold Bill to his contract. He’ll show up here every day, do his work, and be driven slowly crazy by the knowledge that he could be getting famous on TV.

Lisa:
Crushing Bill’s ego isn’t going to stop him. The man doesn’t know the difference between good attention and bad attention. He’s going to lash out against you and do something drastic.

Dave:
I don’t think you give Bill enough credit.

Bill walks into the office wearing a bathrobe and slippers. He scratches himself, drinks from Dave’s cup of coffee, and leaves.

Dave:
See, he kept his robe closed.

----

Bill is sitting at his desk, still in his bathrobe. Matthew and Beth come up to him.

Matthew:
Bill, why are you dressed like that.

Bill:
Matthew, my friend, I’ve found the secret to happiness.

Beth:
Partial nudity?

Bill:
No, my dear, the secret to happiness is much bigger than that.

Matthew:
Full nudity?

Beth:
Ewww

Bill:
No, I’ve been offered a very lucrative job as a television broadcaster. Dave won’t let me out of my contract, so I have no choice but to try to get myself fired. Once I succeed, I can be reunited with sweet lady fame.

Matthew:
Oh, is she British too?

Beth:
No Matthew. He’s saying that he’s trying to get fired so he can leave WNYX, and leave all of us.

Matthew:
Why would you want to leave here? You can’t leave me. I mean us.

Bill:
To tell you the truth, I’m ready for a new challenge in my life. I’ve done all I can in the radio business, and my gut is telling me that TV is the next step.

Matthew:
All my gut tells me is that I shouldn’t eat cat food anymore.

Beth:
What is wrong with you?

Bill:
I’m going to miss our talks oh so much while I’m becoming famous and rich on TV. It’s such a shame that I can’t bring you along with me.

Matthew:
What if we get fired too? Could we come along then?

Bill:
Knock yourself out.

----

Mr. James is sitting at Dave’s desk while Dave paces back and forth.

Dave:
Are you sure that we shouldn’t just let Bill go? I mean, what are the odds that he’ll actually like TV?

Mr. James:
We have to keep Bill here. I don’t like to lose people. You’re all like member of my family. You’re like a son to me.

Dave:
Thank you Sir.

Mr. James:
Beth’s like a daughter to me. Matthew’s like one of my weird nephews.

Dave:
And what does that make Bill?

Mr. James:
Bill’s like one of those cousins from New Jersey who never call on your birthday, and always have a bag of cement in the trunk of their car, which reminds me that I need to get my car detailed this weekend.

Dave:
That’s a very appealing view of Bill, but it doesn’t tell me why it’s so important that we keep him from falling on his ass by going to TV. He’ll be running back here begging for his job within a week.

Mr. James:
Dave, you don’t get it. If we let Bill go, the whole station will go to hell. The balance of personalities is absolutely perfect right now. If Bill’s gone, all the tension in the office disappears, and if there’s no more tension, the ratings will go down.

Dave:
What ratings?

Mr. James:
Nothing, Dave. I didn’t say anything.

Mr. James gets up and makes a quick exit from the office. Dave follows him through the office, getting stopped by Matthew at his desk.

Matthew:
Dave, I want you to fire me.

Dave (distracted):
Ok. You’re fired.

Matthew:
No, Dave, you’re supposed to say no and fight to get me to change my mind.

Dave:
Can this wait until later? I really need to talk to Mr. James.

Dave walks out of the office, scanning the hallway. Mr. James is gone. Dave walks back into the office and sees Bill inhaling helium from a balloon.

Dave:
Bill, what do you think you’re doing?

Bill (in a high pitched voice):
I’m going to read the news like this.

Dave:
No you’re not.

Bill:
Just try to stop me, Dave.

Dave:
Fine, Bill. Have it your way.
(Loudly, to Catherine, at her desk)
Catherine, can you cover the news yourself for the rest of the afternoon?

Catherine:
Sure Dave. Bill only gets in my way.

Catherine goes up into the booth.

Dave:
You know, Bill, trying to get yourself fired isn’t going to work, especially when you half-ass it like that.

Bill:
I assure you that I don’t know what you mean.

Dave:
Let me see your balloon.

Bill hands Dave the balloon, which is actually an inflated latex glove. Dave lets the air out and the glove flies across the office in the direction of Matthew. Matthew’s eyes fixate on Dave’s, and Matthew has a blank look on his face.

----

Dave is sitting in his office, working, when Beth, Lisa, and Catherine all enter.

Lisa:
Dave, Bill’s really taking this ‘trying to get fired’ thing too far.

Dave:
What’s he doing now?

Lisa:
He asked the three of us if we’d like to “take a poll”.

Beth:
While his robe was falling open.

Catherine:
If it weren’t for my manicure being fresh, I was going to…

Lisa:
What she means is that Bill’s gone too far, and if you don’t do something to calm him down, we can’t be held responsible if something happens to him.

Catherine:
It won’t be my fault if he ends up getting bitch slapped.
(Pause)
Again.

Dave:
Send him in here and I’ll have a talk with him.

The three leave and Bill enters the office.

Dave:
Have you gone insane? You can’t sexually harass your coworkers.

Bill:
I would hardly call it harassment. You didn’t see the way they were undressing me with their eyes.

Dave:
They didn’t have to undress you with their eyes. You already are undressed.

Bill (Smiling):
I know. Isn’t it delightful?

Dave:
No Bill, it’s not delightful. No one wants to see you like this. And what’s worst of all is that you’re enjoying it. You actually like driving us all nuts, don’t you?

Bill:
It’s one of the many perks that come with the freedom of not caring if I get fired.

Dave:
You’re not getting fired, Bill.

Bill:
This is discrimination!!

Dave:
What?

Bill:
If I were anyone else out there in the office, you would fire me in an instant. Well, except for Lisa. You’d probably just give her a spanking, but I don’t want to pry into your personal life. The point is, you not firing me is discrimination, and I will not stand for it.

Bill sits down on Dave’s couch.

Dave:
What are you doing?

Bill:
I said I wasn’t going to stand for it. I didn’t say that I was giving up.

Dave:
Well, could you at least cross your legs or something?

Bill covers himself.

----

Lisa, Beth, and Catherine are watching the door of Dave’s office. Matthew walks up to them as they talk.

Catherine:
They’ve been in there an awful long time. I hope Dave’s not being too hard on the poor guy.

Lisa:
I thought you wanted him to suffer.

Beth:
Yeah, he did try to get us to test his ‘stick mic’.

Matthew:
I would have done it, but Dave doesn’t let me near the electronics anymore.

The three look at Matthew in confusion and disgust.

Catherine:
I do want him to suffer, but I want to be the one to do it to him. There’s nothing like seeing the look on his face as realizes that he’s getting screwed.

Beth:
Please tell me that you only mean that metaphorically.

----

Dave and Bill are sitting in Dave’s office.

Dave:
Let me get this straight; you don’t want to leave here for the TV job?

Bill:
No. For better or worse, these people are my family.

Dave:
So why do you keep acting like this? It’s not how families treat each other.

Bill:
Maybe not your family. But I remember one time when I was a kid, my brothers and I laughed for hours after they set me up on a date with a girl guaranteed to go “all the way”, only it turned out that she was ravaged with a sexual disease. Good times, good times.

Dave:
As disturbing as that sounds, I still don’t understand why you’re acting like you want to get fired if you don’t really want to leave.

Bill:
I was trying to see what I could get away with. You and Jimmy made it clear that you weren’t going to fire me, so I thought I would have a little fun, see if I couldn’t ruffle a couple of feathers, maybe get Matthew fired.

Dave:
That is horrible. It is really, truly horrible.

Bill:
I was never going to do anything really heinous. You see, Dave, I’m the alpha male of the office. Being Bill McNeal has granted me a certain status that I would be unable to get in any other office. My years of splendiferously being me have given me virtually free reign over this office. I can pretty much do or say anything I want to, and there’s no recourse for it. You freely admit that you can’t control me most of the time. I would be an idiot to give all of this up just for some extra money that I can probably con out of Matthew anyway.

Dave:
Be that as it may, you’re going to go out there and apologize for the way you’ve been behaving.

Bill:
I can’t do that, Dave. Apologizing is not a part of my charm, and it would jeopardize my throne atop the social ladder. Listen, I’ll do anything to make this right, but I won’t apologize.

Dave:
Have it your way, Bill.

----

The staff is gathered at the conference table, waiting for a meeting to begin. Dave and Bill walk out of Dave’s office.

Dave:
Everyone, I have something that I would like to announce. Bill’s behavior today has been, to put it mildly, erratic. I know that he’s upset some of you, and I’m sure that he’ll be quite happy to tell you why he’s been like this today, won’t you Bill?

Bill (mumbling):
I have male PMS.

Matthew:
You were mumbling. What did you say?

Dave (grinning):
Yeah, Bill. What did you say?

Bill:
I have male PMS.

Everyone at the table begins laughing uncontrollably, except Matthew. Catherine gets up, puts her hand on Bill’s shoulder, laughs in his face, and leaves.

Matthew:
Do you need me to get you a tampon or something?

----

Lisa and Dave are in Dave’s office, getting ready to leave for the night. As Dave is getting his coat, Mr. James enters the office.

Mr. James:
So, did you take care of the Bill situation?

Dave:
Yes, Sir, it’s all taken care of. I don’t think Bill will be any trouble for a while.

Lisa:
At least not until this time next month.

Mr. James:
That’s great news. I didn’t think this whole “male PMS” thing would fool anybody, but you sure showed me.

Lisa:
Sir, how did you know that’s what Bill told us? Everyone else has already gone home.

Mr. James shifts his eyes from side to side, looking nervous.

Mr. James:
Lucky guess?

Dave:
I don’t believe it. You set up cameras in the office and are broadcasting it as some sort of TV show, aren’t you?

Mr. James stares at the floor, and uses his hand to cover his mouth as he speaks.

Mr. James:
Maybe.

Lisa:
Were you going to tell us about this?

Mr. James:
Only if you found out about it.

Dave:
Wouldn’t it be kind of hard to keep us all in the dark about being on TV? One of us was bound to find one of the cameras eventually.

Mr. James:
Are you kidding me? You still haven’t figured out that Bill never got that job offer.

Dave:
What?? You had me waste an entire day trying to keep Bill from being Bill for nothing?

Mr. James:
It wasn’t for nothing. Ratings are going to go through the roof for this.

Lisa:
You do know that we’re going to tell everyone about this in the morning, right?

Mr. James:
You won’t remember any of this in the morning. I’m paying for drinks. Let’s go get hammered.

Dave:
Damn. He knows our kryptonite.

The phone rings. Dave answers it, listens, and hangs up.

Lisa:
What was that?

Dave:
You owe me $10.

Mr. James:
I’ll catch up with you kids in a minute. I’ve just got to make a call.

Dave:
Ok, Sir.

Dave and Lisa leave the office. Mr. James, alone, talks to himself.

Mr. James:
Bill was right. Dave really is gullible.

Mr. James walks out of the office and closes the door.

----

Closing Credits