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A lot of careful calculation went into the creation of this list, and I think you can tell that I'm lying even without hearing
my voice. Anyway, this is how I rank the holidays that we tend to celebrate as being special in this country.
#1. Thanksgiving. This is a landslide victory for the underdog holiday. Thanksgiving beats out the more touted competitors
with a simple formula. Any day that is centered around nothing but food and football can never be beaten. It's the simple
combination of sloth and gluttony that is so damn appealing. I can never pass up a time where I can engulf myself in two
of the deadly sins at the same time. Minor points are being taken off for the habit of eating turkey, but I can overlook
this since no one makes me go through with it anymore. All hail the holiday king.
#2. Arbor Day is actually one of the better holidays out there on the landscape. Anything, especially in these times, that
works to preserve nature is good by me. I love nature, and the idea of planting a few trees sounds great to me. No one makes
too big a deal out of it, so it can't get obnoxious. To put it bluntly, this holiday is handled about as well as any that
I can think of.
#3. New Year's is a nice enough time. We get to wash away everything bad that happened in the past year and start with a
fresh slate. The idea of getting hammered beyond belief, even though I don't drink, seems rather appealing. Resolutions are
always a great source of comedy, seeing who can break theirs the fastest. Of course, the major negative is that this is a
perfect opportunity to realize that another year has gone by with your life still sucking. It's not as though you need a
reminder, so the opportunity is not relished. Points are also deducted for Dick Clark and Ryan Seacrest, and all the shit
that they put on my TV before the God damn ball drops in Times Square. I don't need to see
that at any time, let alone when I'm knee deep in the remembrance of the shittiness of my life.
#4. Independence Day is one of those holidays that I'm mixed on. There's some good, and some bad things about it. I like
the fact that it centers heavily around cookouts. As long as said cookout involves something that I actually enjoy eating,
this is a nice holiday. The weather is usually nice, and there's always the thrill of watching shit
explode in the sky. For a pyromaniac such as myself, there's not much better than that. But, for every good there is a bad.
In this case, the bad consists of assholes like country singer Toby Keith who use it as an excuse to drape themselves in the
flag and proclaim themselves to be America. Sorry, but that doesn't work. The true American spirit is
seeing how many hot dogs you can eat, not seeing how many different ways you can wear red, white, and blue and not look like
a Firecracker Popsicle. Kudos must go to the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, and perennial winner Takaru Kobiashi. (It
doesn't help that my extended family usually picks this holiday to visit.)
#5 (Tied). Memorial Day, Veterans Day, and Labor Day. There's nothing I can really
say about these.
#6. Easter. Oh goody, it's a religious holiday. We all know my thoughts on religion, and if you don't, just ask me someday
and I'll spend some time ranting about it, as it is my favorite subject to go off about. Given those feelings, I think you
can sense that I'm not a big fan of this one either. I do like the candy, and in years past the commercials with the imposter
Cadbury bunnies were passable, but that's not enough to save Easter. All I have to do is buy a bag of M&M's and turn on Cartoon
Network until they show a Trix commercial, and I get the same experience. Kudos go out to the traditional Easter ham though.
It's a much better choice than the Thanksgiving turkey.
#7. Columbus day is just stupid. There's no reason that there should be anything celebrating Columbus. He didn't discover
America. So, if we want to honor everyone we've associated with the discovery of America, whether it be true or not, I can't
wait to see what Viking Day is going to look like next year. It might be cool if there's an honorary Viking funeral in every
city. I can think of several people to have one for. All we have to do is kill them first. It would be for a good cause,
sort of like an honorary sacrifice or something along those lines.
#8. Christmas is not the king, but it's still a good holiday. There's not much that's better than opening a wonderful gift
on Christmas morning. Unfortunately, Christmas has a lot of things going against it as well. It's during the winter, and
snow is evil. But more importantly than that, Christmas has turned into the carnival sideshow of holidays. From
October until you pass out from the pain, there is nothing but nonstop assaults of red, green, crappy music, and 'holiday
spirit'. I'm sorry, but I can only watch Rudolph and all of those other happy movies so many times before I feel like puking.
My favorite Christmas movie of all time has to be, without a doubt, The Nightmare Before Christmas. They have the right idea
when they sing, "Kidnap the Santy Claus, shove him in a bag..." And I might be the only one who thinks so, but the Grinch
was a whole lot more fun and entertaining before his heart grew. I may be becoming a nice guy and all, but Christmas is too
damn much of it. Good things only come in small doses, which shows why Christmas isn't #1 on the list. (Many, many extra
points are deducted for bringing up bad memories and launching me into near depression every year.)
# Dead fucking last. Valentine's Day. You knew I had to get to it at some point. Depending on how long your memory is, you
may remember that I wrote a nice little
screed about it in February. Rather than just copy and paste it again, I'll sum everything up in a short paragraph. Valentine's
Day earns the spot at the bottom of the list of holidays for a variety of reasons. While I could argue that it sucks because
of the over commercialization, I'm not going to. I'm going to focus on something else. Every year,
Valentine's Day is served up to be this high holy day of love. Well, I think it's safe to say that you know I think that's
bullshit. Valentine's Day is nothing of the sort. It's simply a day that was created to get men off the hook. With a simple
gesture, men who have no
right even being in a relationship are able to melt the hearts of a sentimental lass, making them forget any lack of caring
during the other 364 days of the year. Now, I may be the only one thinking this, but if you've never tried to write something
sentimental for a loved one, you have no right to buy a card and pass off the sentiment as your own. I'm
not saying you have to do it all yourself, but you have to at least put forth the effort. Even if it sucks, do it. That's
enough to put this holiday at the bottom of the list, but there's still one other little fact that plummets it even further.
Every year, as the sentiment and the tears of joy flow, society takes its opportunity to insist that those people who don't
have relationships are somehow doing things wrong. That is an abhorrent thought, and it goes nicely with a fucked up celebration
such as this. To paraphrase Jay and Silent Bob, "Fuck Valentine's Day. Fuck it in its stupid ass."
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