Murder By Proxy



The paper was ruined for me even before I got the chance to read it. There was a fine mist in the air, and the paper was improperly bagged. The moisture got inside, running the ink and weakening the crisp paper containing the news of the day. I was used to finding disappointments of all sorts throughout the course of a day, but the newspaper should not, and usually was not, one of them. It had come to the point where there was nothing that could be readily depended on anymore. That was a sad state of affairs. It used to be that people would always do their job, do it well, and do it on time. Today, everything was filled with tardiness, sloppiness, and genuine ennui as pertaining to pride. It was almost enough for me to cancel my subscription, but there was no better alternative available, and I could not go without. It had become a habit, and I have not entertained any thoughts of breaking it.

Giles, my ever proper butler, had brought the paper to me with an apology.

“I’m sorry Sir. I should have been at the door to meet the paper, and ensure its proper arrival.”

“Think nothing of it Giles. It’s not your fault that the paper is in such a state. It is decidedly the fault of the paper carrier. That boy has never once taken any care for his work. He’s quite the unpleasant chap. I shall speak with his superiors promptly. I will not stand for this!”

“Decidedly not, Sir. I shall ring them presently.”

“Thank you Giles.”

Giles left the room, returning within a minute, the phone receiver in his hand.

“Sir, before I was able to tend to your affairs, your friend Inspector Arliss rang. He’s on the line presently.”

“He must want something from me. He always does. Give me the receiver, and I’ll see what it is.”

I put the phone to my ear, and spoke.

“My dear Arliss. How are you?”

“Not well Casey. But you should know that. You saw the paper this morning.”

“No, I did not. There was a mishap with its proper delivery.”

“That’s going to make my day even harder. You’ll want to vent about that.”

“Correct. I will be venting about it, but not to you. I have more than a mind to speak with the superiors at the paper establishment.”

“You won’t have time for that this morning. I need your help with a case.”

“Why is my expertise required?”

“There’s a bit of a peculiarity involved in this one.”

“Tell me the details, and I’ll see if there’s anything I can do for you.”

“Well, last night Lord Stevens was found dead in his room at the Regency Hotel. It looks for every reason like a heart attack.”

“Where do I come in?”

“There’s this guy, he’s in the prison, and he says that he killed Lord Stevens.”

“Are we to believe him?”

“Frankly, Casey, I don’t know. He couldn’t have done it, but he knows things about it that we didn’t release to the press.”

“I think I see why you want me involved now.”

“We need you down here.”

“I’ll be there in twelve minutes.”



“Giles. I must go out and consult with Arliss on a case. Get the car ready. I’m going to the Regency Hotel.”

“Yes Sir.”



****



The car was pulled around the front, beads of the water-logged air rolling down its curved fenders. Those drops glistening in the newly unwrapped sun, giving a jeweled coating to the already impressive figure of the car. This was more than acceptable. The car excelled in every form, the water only separating it ever further from the proletariat chariots that lined the streets of London. Today those streets got a treat. They would get to be blessed with the presence of a great car, and an even greater person.

Eleven minutes later, we were pulling to the corner that the Regency occupied.

“Giles. Hold here for thirty seconds. I said it would be twelve minutes, and I intend to stick to that schedule.”

“Very good Sir.”

After waiting the designated period of time, Giles pulled the car around the corner, and in front of the grand hotel. It was one of the newer structures in the city, but it adhered strictly to the Victorian sense of architecture. It was very pleasing to my eye, and most befitting of a Lord. This was one case that was starting off in the proper manner.

Arliss came rushing up to the car, and got the door handle before Giles could get to it.

“Casey, can we get started on this?”

“Of course we can. Tell me exactly what happened here.”

“Last night, around seven by our best guess, Lord Stevens had his dinner as was his custom. After dining, he retired to his suite, and was not heard from again. As instructed earlier, the concierge brought up a glass of buttermilk and a shot of aged whiskey at ten. He knocked on the door, and got no answer. He got the desk manager, who opened the door with the key, and they found Stevens on the floor, apparently dead of a heart attack. That’s when they called us in.”

“And what of the man in prison you mentioned?”

“That’s the odd part. The guards tell me that around midnight they heard a laughing, and one of the prisoners was in a hysterical fit. When they quieted him down, and asked him what the cause was, he began talking about the death of Stevens. The guard thought he was insane, called us, and we were shocked that he knew what had happened. It hadn’t been in the press yet, but he had somehow or another found out about the death, and claimed responsibility for it. It’s the damndest thing I’ve ever seen.”

“It is odd. But I’m sure there will be a sufficient explanation for it if I look carefully. I already have an idea of how it happened.”

“Already? Even for you this is a bit early.”

“It may be early, but this case doesn’t seem like it will be much more than a trifle. I should be able to get back to my chastising of the newspaper people by mid afternoon.”

“I’ll lay ten pounds that you can’t.”

“You should know by now that I don’t partake of gambling. I’m not one for the petty vices of gambling, liquor, and women.”

One of the other inspectors from the Yard said under his breath, “That figures.”

“Excuse me. Do you have something witty to say about me? If you do, I suggest that you say it directly. I am more a fan of witticism than I am a detractor of personal discretion. I will not be offended in any way if you have a credible quip.”

He looked puzzled.

“The bloody hell do you mean by that? I weren’t talking to you. I was entertaining the boys.”

“I assure you that they don’t need any entertaining. Merely watching me go about solving this case, and bailing you people out yet again should be enough for you.”

“Who are you to talk like that?”

“The question is, who do you think you are talking like that to me, the great Christopher Casey? I’m the greatest detective in all of England. You should be watchful of that, or I could back out of this and let you flounder on not being able to solve the case.”

Arliss chimed himself in. “Barkely, settle yourself down. I called him in as a favor. Humor him. He’ll get to the bottom of this thing, one way or another. And pay attention; you’re bound to learn something from him.”

“Inspector, I know you mean well, but if you think I’m going to take orders from him, then you can have my badge.”

“I’m sorry if you feel that way. I’ll expect it on my desk in the morning. You’re dismissed.”

“Yes sir.”

He turned back to me.

“I’m sorry for that Casey. You know how the boys are. They don’t like anyone who’s an outsider, especially if they make them look bad the way that you do.”

“It’s perfectly understandable. I am imposing enough to make people question themselves.”

“But you do more than that. You make them want to jump to the other side of the fence, and start committing murders; namely yours.”

“Let them feel that way. They’ll get theirs in the end. If they can’t figure out a simple murder like this one, than whatever they would do would be more than simple enough for you to catch.”

“Don’t start that with me again. I’m on your side here.”

“I know you are. I only mean the best for you. You’re a good person, and an adequate inspector. I’m just trying to make you better than you are.”

“I’ll tell you what; let me worry about becoming better. Right now you should focus yourself on figuring this case out.”

“Let us go and see the scene.”

“Wait a minute. Did you say this was a murder?”

“Of course I did. This is a murder we’re investigating.”

“It is?”

“Yes. It is a murder.”

“How do you know?”

“I just do. I have my ways.”

“Can you fill me in on this?”

“You’ll know what happened when I’m done with the procedure.”

“You amaze me.”

“I know I do.”



****



Lord Steven’s suite was located on the top floor of the large hotel. It was not a penthouse, there were none, and it resided across the hall from the honeymoon suite. It was a large, cavernous room containing a sitting room, kitchen, two bedrooms, and two baths. It was most befitting of a Lord, and even myself. The next time I had to have my townhouse fumigated, or anything that would be of a nuisance, it fit my fancy greatly to stay in this establishment.

Arliss and I entered the suite, confronted with the dead body still lying on the ground, unmoved.

“I wanted you to see it before we had anyone touch anything.”

“That was a good idea you had, for a change.”

The body had no peculiarities about it; no unusual markings or signs of foul play. There was nothing at all that would contradict a heart attack. I knew better than them, so I was sure that he had been murdered. None of them, except for Arliss, would believe me when I told them that he was murdered. As simple as this case would be, I had to see it out just to put those cretins in their place.

“All right Arliss, what does the body tell you?”

“From the position it’s in, I would say that he was on his way from the dinner table towards his room when he collapsed.”

“Very good.”

“But that doesn’t tell me how he was murdered. I still don’t see it.”

“I know you don’t. Just don’t tax yourself too much by over thinking it.”

“I can think without killing myself you know.”

“Now you’re just getting cranky. I would suggest that you take a step back and let me do the work, or go take a nap and come back when you’re in a better mood.”

“I am not a child. Don’t you dare talk to me like that again. I’ve taken a lot of abuse from you before, but I swear if you say one more thing I’ll pop you one right in the nose.”

“Threats of violence? I expect so much better of you. But, then again, I do forget sometimes of what breed you are.”

“Breed? This isn’t about you growing up with gold plated everything, and your parents telling you that it makes you a better person. This is about you being a wanker, and a prick. It’s high time you heard it from me.”

“Arliss, your language is atrocious. I know you didn’t mean to use those terms in reference to me.”

“I damn sure did.”

“But I’m your friend.”

“No. I’m your friend. The only one I might add. If you want to have anyone who’ll listen to you, and your cockamamie schemes about murders that aren’t real, you’ll remember that and not treat me worse than a dog.”

“Now listen here. I treat dogs perfectly well. That would suffice for any person below my standard.”

“There you go again. Stop preaching to me to inflate your ego and solve the damn case. That’s the only reason you’re here. I sure as hell didn’t call for you because I enjoy your company.”

“I will compose myself, tell you how this case occurred, and then take my leave. It’s obvious that you would rather dump me to the curb than to let me try to help you.”

“I’m not kicking you to the curb. I’m just trying to preserve my own sanity. You go on and on too much about your superiority. It gets tiring.”

“The truth never should get tiring.”

“Well it does.”

“I’m sorry that you feel that way.”

“No you’re not. You’re never sorry for anything. You don’t have any feelings. They’re for the inferior people to fill up their otherwise meaningless lives, as you always like to say.”

“So you have been listening.”

“Whether I was or not, you’ve said it so many times that it would have found a way to boar into my head.”

“And aren’t you better off for it?”

“No. Now just tell me how this whole thing went down.”

“Well, nothing can be confirmed until the coroner does his autopsy, but I think I can fill in enough of the details.”

“I’m waiting.”

“A few weeks back, Lord Stevens got a strange letter. Within the letter was a message saying that he was going to be poisoned at his annual birthday celebration that is coming up in two weeks time. The letter mentioned a specific type of poison that would be used, and suggested that he begin taking small amounts of the poison to build up a tolerance. Stevens did as the letter instructed, taking the poison with his dinner, until last night. Last night he made a tragic mistake. As you noted, the body is positioned where it would have fallen had he been going from the table to his room. But there is one mistake in that assumption; he was really going from his room to the table.”

“What difference does that make?”

“All the difference in the world. You see, he would have kept the poison I his medicine cabinet, along with his heart medication. Look over here at the table. His reading glasses are located here. And over here, by his dinner, you can see his prescription heart medication. He wouldn’t have taken it with dinner, the label says to ingest on an empty stomach. It was a case of fatal mistake. He took too large of a dose of the poison, thinking it was his heart medicine. That killed him.”

“But how is that murder? It sounds like an accident to me.”

“It would be an accident, had it been such. But you see, the letter said that Stevens would be poisoned. He was poisoned. The idea for him to ingest poison would not have crept into his mind if he had not had it implanted there. The writer of the letter is to blame for the accident, and therefore for murder. And if you trace back the letter, I am confident that it will show the confessor in the prison will be responsible.”

“I don’t believe it.”

“But surely, I have laid it out for you properly. It cannot be questioned.”

“I believe that. I don’t believe that you figured it out without me even telling you that we found a letter matching that of the one you described.”

“You didn’t have to. I know these things.”



****



The next morning, having a more acceptable affair with my paper, Giles interrupted my reading of triumph.

“Inspector Arliss is here to see you Sir.”

“Send him in.”

Arliss was holding his hat, wringing it in his right hand.

“I’ll be damned, but you were right. The coroner found large amounts of a typical poison in his system. He had been ingesting it for about two weeks.”

“This does not surprise me.”

“Answer me this; how did you know he had been ingesting poison for two weeks? Why not three? Or one even? Why two?”

“Simple again. If he had been taking it for only one week, he would not have enough time to build up an acceptable level of tolerance. If it had been more than two weeks, he would have had a level of tolerance high enough to counteract the amount he ingested. I merely read the label of his heart medication. The dosage is easily readable.”

“You always find a way to outsmart everyone.”

“That I do.”

“One of these days, you should commit a crime so that we can use it to learn.”

“That goes against everything I stand for. Crime, in any form, is for the lower class. I am far above that.”

“Apparently you are.”

“Would you care to join me for a scone and some tea?”

“Why not? I’ve got some time to kill.”



****



We chatted over our breakfast, me doing most of the talking. Arliss, despite his claims to the contrary, finds pleasure in my company. He will never admit it, the Yard would kill him if he did, but I know it. He fights with me whenever I try to bring it up, but it is of no matter. We are two gentlemen with a gentleman’s agreement. We know that we both need each other. I train him to become a better inspector, and he shows me that my justifications for my thoughts are correct. In that respect, I could not ask for a better friend, though I could ask for better cases to enter into this book.

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