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Open:
Peter is sitting at the breakfast table, sipping coffee. Lois is washing dishes at the sink.
Lois: Peter, do you know what day tomorrow is?
Peter: It’s the greatest day of the year.
Lois: Really? That’s so…
Peter: Who could forget bonus day. I’m cashing in big time this year.
Lois: Bonus day?
Peter: Aww yeah, it’s gonna be freakin’ sweet.
Lois: Is there anything else about tomorrow that’s special?
Peter: Of course there is. Tomorrow’s dollar night down at the clam. We’re gonna get so wasted.
Lois: Peter!!
Peter: What? I didn’t do anything. I swear.
Flashback
Peter breaking into the Watergate. Steals documents in the darkness, and informs Woodward and Bernstein of the Presidents
doings.
Lois: Peter. Tomorrow is our anniversary. Don’t tell me you forgot it again this year.
Peter: Of course I didn’t forget it. I got you a swell gift.
Lois: It better be. You need to make up for last year.
Flashback
Peter giving Lois a box.
Lois opens the box.
Lois looks puzzled.
Peter: I know how much you like kids, so I got you a turkey baster and a cup of my sperm.
Awkward pause
Peter: It’s fresh.
Peter, Quagmire, and Cleveland sitting in the bar.
Peter: Oh god, I don’t know what to do guys, tomorrow’s our anniversary and I haven’t gotten Lois anything.
Cleveland, your wife’s never mad at you, how do you slip her the Valium every morning?
Cleveland: Valium? I wish. She has me tied up. I have to be nice to her, and pick up after myself. Anything less, and
she’s all over me like R Kelly on a junior high prom queen.
Peter: Ahh crap. What about you Quagmire?
Quagmire: I don’t know Peter, the only thing I know about what women want is what I got from the Mel Gibson movie.
He could read women’s minds. He he…..all right.
Flashback
Quagmire reading a woman’s mind
“So you want me to go screw myself? Wouldn’t it be easier if you did it for me? All right.”
Quagmire gets slapped
“All right. I just got me some action.”
Peter: That’s it. I’ll go watch that movie and then Lois can’t be mad at me.
Peter walking out of the theater
Peter: If that’s what women want, then why aren’t I wearing a dress?
Flashback
Peter wearing a dress, and walking over a grate. The wind blows the dress up, exposing Peter not wearing any underwear.
Bystanders laugh and puke.
Sitting in the living room, Stewie is scheming. Brian is sitting on the couch, drinking a martini and reading the paper.
Stewie: With that fat oaf trying to keep his balls attached to his body, this is the perfect time to be rid of that hideous,
Fruit loop selling troglodyte that keeps me from reaching my full potential. And from eating solid foods. But that’s
a whole other story.
Brian: What are talking about?
Stewie: The fat oaf forgot to get Lois a gift for their anniversary. She’s going to kill him, and then I can kill
her, and be free to go my merry way.
Brian: And then what would you do? You can’t even reach the cookie jar.
Stewie: Just you wait and see. One of these days I’ll be able to do everything I’ve ever dreamed of.
Brian: Yeah, and then I’ll be sober.
Stewie: Oh shut up you. You’ll be dead in three years anyway.
Brian looks stunned.
Peter and Lois in the bedroom, about to go to sleep.
Peter: I’m going to give you your gift right now Lois.
Lois: You remembered?
Peter: Of course I did. What kind of guy would forget his anniversary?
Flashback to Hitler giving Eva Braun flowers, Stalin giving candy to a woman, and OJ Simpson pissing on Nicole Brown’s
grave.
Lois: So what did you get me?
Peter: Something really special.
Lois: Give it to me. Please, please.
Peter: All right. Here it is. I give you the gift of monogamy.
Lois (disappointed): Monogamy? What are you talking about?
Peter: I’m going to be monogamous. That’s a freaking sweet gift if I say so.
(pause)
And I do.
Lois: Are you saying that you haven’t been monogamous?
Peter: Of course I have Lois. I’m just making it official that I will be from now on.
Lois: I kind of got that idea when we got married.
Peter: Why would you think that?
Flashback to Peter and Lois at the altar.
Priest: and do you promise to never have sex with anyone other than Lois for as long as you both shall live. Unless of course
she starts sagging, at which point the whole deal is null.
Peter: I do.
Peter: What’s that have to do with monogamy?
Lois: Do you even know what monogamy is?
Peter: Sure I do. It’s when you don’t have sex with men.
Lois: That’s not what monogamy is. It’s when you only have sex with one person.
Peter: Oh man. Quagmire’s going to be pissed.
Flash to Quagmire’s bedroom.
Quagmire: I’ve been monogamous for three weeks.
Girl: Then what are you doing in bed with me?
Quagmire: I was trying to tell you that if you want a threesome, you need to get a female friend.
Girl: What are you talking about? Monogamy is having sex with only one person. Not only one sex.
Quagmire: Only one person? Why the hell would anyone want to do that? That’s not all right.
Lois: Peter, what’s wrong?
Peter: I screwed up again. I tried to give you a nice gift, and I ended up admitting that Quagmire’s had sex with
men.
Lois: I know you tried Peter. That’s all that really matters.
Peter: No it’s not. I need to do something nice for you. I’m going to make you breakfast in bed.
Cut to Peter with a grill on the bed, next to Lois.
Lois: Not like that Peter!
Peter: Ahh crap.
Cut to Peter making breakfast at the stove in the kitchen, Lois in the bed perched on top of the table.
Lois: Peter!!!
Cut to Peter making toast while wearing the bed sheets as a toga.
Lois: Peter!!!!!
Cut to Peter sitting in bed making the toast while Lois is lying on the floor.
Lois: Peter!!!!!!
Cut to Peter shoving oatmeal into a pillowcase.
Lois: Peter!!!!!!
Cut to Peter putting the bed sheets in the oven.
Lois: Peter!!!!!!!
Cut to Stewie in the upstairs hallway, dressed in black ops gear.
Stewie: All right you fowl wench. Now it’s time to sink your frigate of oppression once and for all.
Stewie enters the bedroom, pounces on the bed and begins hacking with a knife.
Stewie: Where the bloody hell is she?
Brian (walking into the room): Miss your mama already?
Stewie: I may not have gotten her, but I can still get you.
Stewie lunges at Brian, who grabs him by the back of his outfit, holding him in the air.
Brian: Having fun?
Stewie: You blasphemous blowhard of a mutt, I command you by the order of nature to put me down.
Brian: I think you’ve had too much fun for one day.
Brian hangs Stewie on a hanger, and put him in the closet.
Stewie: You’ll regret this dog. As soon as that hideous creature is gone, you will be the first in my succession to
the throne.
Brian closes the door to the closet.
Cut to Peter and Lois sitting at the table, staring at each other.
Meg walks in
Meg: Hey mon. Hey dad. What’s up?
Lois. Nothing honey. Your father was just being himself.
Peter: What’s that supposed to mean?
Lois: Nothing. It just means that you were your usual fat, inconsiderate, joke of a self.
Peter: As long as it was nothing bad.
Meg: O……k……I’m going to go to the mall. I had a bad day at school.
Lois: What happened?
Meg: Nothing.
Cut to school. Meg is standing at locker, Neil walks up behind Meg and pours honey on top of her head.
Meg: Neil….What the hell are you doing?
Neil: They say you catch more flies with honey than vinegar, and I’m as fly a guy as you’re going to find. So
how about you and I go clean that off.
Meg: Eww…..here’s a bucket Neil, why don’t you go kick it?
Neil: Don’t worry Meg, you’ll fall in love with me soon.
Meg. Barf.
Lois: Well, be back by dinner honey.
Meg leaves.
Peter: You know Lois, it is our anniversary and all, so maybe we should um…
Lois slaps Peter.
Peter: Oh, was there a mosquito or something on my face?
Lois (shaking her head): I’m going to take a bubble bath. I need to relax. Just don’t do anything stupid while
I’m in there.
Peter: I don’t think that will be a problem.
Cut to Peter with a ladder against the side of the house.
Peter: Come on everybody. Go up the ladder and wish Lois a happy anniversary.
Quagmire goes up the ladder, looks in the window.
Quagmire: Hey Lois. Looks like a happy anniversary.
(pause)
For both of us.
Lois: AHHHHHH!!!
Cut to outside shot. Quagmire slides down the ladder, hits the ground.
Quagmire: He he……All right.
Peter: Sorry Joe. You can’t go up. Hee hee. That’s funny cause you can’t get it up either. Hee hee.
Joe: No!! Gaww!!! No!!!!
Lois pokes her head out the window.
Lois: Peter!!!!
Peter: What?
Lois: What the hell do you think you’re doing? You’re turning me into a peep show.
Peter: What? I was just trying to show you that I cared.
Lois: By letting people see me naked?
Peter: Yeah. You’re like one of those trophy wives. I was just showing you off.
Cut to Donald Trump and a statue meeting someone else.
Donald: This is my wife. I won her in a bowling tournament.
Lois: Trophy wife? You think I’m a trophy wife??
Peter: Yeah. Isn’t that flattering?
Lois: That’s it Peter. You’re not getting back in this house again tonight.
Peter: That’s fine Lois. I don’t need you to let me back in. I got in last time you locked me out.
Flashback. Peter finds himself locked out of the house. He realizes he doesn’t have a key, so he climbs onto the roof
and comes down the chimney. Inside young Meg and Chris are sitting on the couch and watching TV.
Meg: Why did you come down the chimney?
Peter: I was out drinking with some elves, and Santa was the designated driver.
Cut to shot of Santa driving his sleigh off into the night, raising a beer.
Peter: Hey Quagmire, how do you think I can get back in the house?
Quagmire: Just pretend you’re a hot woman. They always get in my door. He he… all right.
Cleveland: Peter, you simply have to apologize to Lois and tell her that you didn’t mean to call her eye candy.
Peter: What’s wrong with being eye candy. Everyone loves candy.
Cleveland: Peter, not everything can be boiled down to sugar.
Peter: Sure it can
Flashback to Peter putting Einstein’s brain into a stew pot. He puts a spoon in, and tastes it.
Peter: Wow that’s sweet.
Peter: Hey Joe, what do you think?
Joe (Frothing at the mouth and grunting)
Peter: Did I ask you already Quagmire?
Quagmire: Sure did.
Peter: Ahh crap.
Cut to Stewie still hanging in the closet.
Stewie: Blast this infernal darkness. Oh my, that towel is so soft. How does the Snuggle Bear manage to do that?
Flash to Snuggle Bear beating blankets with a sledgehammer.
Bear: Soften damn you, or there’s more where that came from.
Cut to Lois sitting in bed.
Peter falls through the roof, and into the bed.
Peter: Oh Hiya Lois.
Lois: what are you doing here?
Peter: I was just trying to get back in your good graces………and your good places.
Lois: What was that?
Peter: Nothing.
Lois: I’ve been thinking Peter. I guess I can forgive you. You were trying to compliment me in your own way.
Peter: Damn right I was.
Flashback to Peter talking with Lois’ father.
Peter: Oh man, have you seen those boobs on Lois?
Father: What the hell is wrong with you?
Peter: Oh I see. You’re an ass guy. I get it.
Lois: It might not have been everything I hoped for, but it wasn’t too bad of an anniversary after all. Everything
came together at the end.
Peter: It sure did.
And I’m gonna score.
Cut to Stewie in the closet still.
Stewie: Confound it. Those wildebeests must have begun their annual mating. I seem to be on my own. And I seem to have
soiled myself. Wretched strained tacos. They go right through me.
Snuggle Bear: You don’t have to tell me.
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